Light Penetrates Darkness

Are you going through a period in your life where you’re surrounded by darkness? Have you ever felt like your drowning, and there’s no one around to save you, or worse, no one cares that you’re drowning?

How many times have you heard,

Pull yourself up by your boot straps.”

Winners Get up while Failures stay down.”

“You’re a strong woman, just face it.”

You know the clichés. I’ve heard all of them myself.

For several years now, I’ve suffered from depression…deep depression where I’ve been incapacitated, couldn’t get out of bed, isolating myself from the world.

A series of events happened over the last 5 years that tested my faith, my values and my beliefs. I mean TESTED.

  • My dear Dad died.
  • People I trusted betrayed me in the worse way.
  • My sister gained Guardianship of my mom and literally has kept ALL family members from visiting mom.
  • A business relationship disintegrated and abandon his commitment to our business contract.
  • A woman I never met is threatening to sue me over a trademark infringement that I had no idea even existed.
  • Financial stress.

And much, much more….

The darkness slowly enveloped me like a slow fog descending all around until I couldn’t see a thing.

One day I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t face another setback. The day felt threatening, hopeless and hostile. Frankly, the last 5 years felt hostile. So the isolation began.

What do you do when you’re afraid to leave your house? How do you respond to friends who tell you to just  “suck it up and face it.”? How do you take care of yourself emotionally, financially, and physically when you’re paralyzed with fear one moment, and in the next you don’t care what happens to you?

Those were the questions I asked everyday.

And I kept turning to Jesus. I prayed to the Blessed Mother, Mary.

Silence.  

Deafening silence.

I prayed to God for direction, and discernment…anything to help lead me out of the dense fog that covered me, always hanging low with suffocating heaviness.

When I did venture into the world, the fog clung heavily, weighing me down, and clouding my vision. Immediately, I’d plead to God for help. Nothing.

It seemed, no matter what I touched, what I tried, what I fought to restore….failed.

Failure after failure after failure.

Late one night, as I tired to sleep, my mind played back all the failures in my life, everything  I was ashamed of. The two abortions. All the people I unintentionally hurt, and those that I intentionally hurt. All the past mistakes, hurts, and the loss of my one true love, my ex-husband John, who I divorced. All the pain of my past came flooding back, drowning what little fight I had left in me.

Screaming out to God I yelled…

“I SURRENDER. THERE’S NOTHING LEFT OF ME.”

sunBg-1And slowly, the warm light of God’s peace began to penetrate the dense fog that held me captive. Peace…sweet peace…loving peace….forgiving peace…beautiful peace.

As I laid in bed, the spirit of God, the Holy Spirit, filled my fear and despair with hope, love and courage.

Yes… COURAGE!            doveshad

Courage to try again.

Courage to be all God made me to be.

Courage to stop listening to the rival ego voice who dominated my thoughts.

Courage to realize only GOD can help me.

Courage to know God will send the “right” people to me.

God was lovingly waiting….waiting patiently on me. Waiting for my complete surrender.

Everyday, I turn to God first. I leave the house with Jesus. I know longer see things as good or bad, but as neutral…accepting what ever happens as God’s will.

Just last week, another setback occurred. But instead I chose to see it as God’s way to redirect me, so it didn’t effect me. I thanked God for having my back!

If you’re suffering with depression, or are overwhelmed in life, I understand. Completely. I only share my story because maybe you need encouragement. Maybe you need surrender. Maybe you need God’s peace. Maybe you just need to hear a story that aligns with yours.

Once I completely surrendered to God’s will, the fog began to lift. Still everyday isn’t all sunshine and lollipops, but God gave me the peace I need to recognize how to let go of the control, and give it all to Him.

Some say

Let Go and Let God.”

I say

Seek God to Let Go!

When God is silent, it could be He’s waiting for your complete surrender.

When God is silent, be assured He is lovingly waiting on you.

When God is silent, He hasn’t abandoned you, He is holding you close to Him.

When God is silent He is preparing you.

When God is silent He is asking you to turn to Him for help.

When God is silent He wants you to only depend on Him.

I’m my own worst enemy! And when I “seek God to let go”  His arms of peace wrap around me like a cozy warm blanket.

Seek God to Let GO!

Are you suffering from depression, or know someone who is? I invite your to share my story with them. If you’d like to leave a comment or have a question, I’d love to hear from you!

And I’d like to invite you to watch my video and subscribe to my Eternal Life Plan Channel on YouTube!


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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